


Knots and Crosses

by aintitfun



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 14:50:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2551541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aintitfun/pseuds/aintitfun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick is genderfluid and mentally prepares himself to meet up with the band in a dress for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knots and Crosses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [papertigers](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=papertigers).



> Italics is in the past. Title from "Mythology" by Versaemerge

Patrick rummaged thought the closet and pulled out two dresses. They added it to the pile of four on the bed. Pete walked into the bedroom and upon witnessing the cluster of clothes, began to laugh. “I don’t think you can wear those all at once.”

 

Patrick looked up from the mess and smiled. “Shut up. I’m trying to decide.”

 

Pete flopped on the bed with a sigh. “We’re just going to meet the guys. I don’t think they’re going to care what you’re wearing.”

 

Patrick frowned and yanked one of the dresses from under Pete’s body. “This is the first time they’re going to see me dressed like… well, me I guess.” They ran the material of the dress through their fingertips. “It’s not about them. It’s about me, okay? I just want…I need to feel comfortable with myself.”

 

Pete sat up against the headboard. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair, “I’m sorry Trick. I didn’t mean it like that. I-“

 

“It’s fine.” Patrick cut him off as they grabbed a white dress with sunflowers printed on it. “I’ll be ready in a minute” They stated as they made their way to the bathroom. 

 

[—————]

 

_Patrick retreated to the tour bus to escape the heat and crowds of Warped Tour. He entered the front lounge to find Gerard and Pete painting their nails. “You guys couldn’t do that on My Chem’s bus?”, he stated as he waved his hand in front of his face to breathe through the smell of the polish._

 

_“Aw, c’mon Trick, You know you love it.” Pete laughed as he waved his wet nails in Patrick’s face._

 

_Patrick rolled his eyes and leaned against the mini fridge. “Why do you guys do that anyway?”_

 

_Gerard looked up from his hands as he shrugged. “I don’t know. I just like it I guess.” He held eye contact with Patrick and the younger man felt a twist in his stomach._

 

_“I do it to make the ladies think I’m sensitive. They eat up this shit man!” Pete grabbed Patrick by the shoulders, breaking his eye contact with Gerard. Patrick shook him off and pretended to look for something in the fridge._

 

_“Do you want to try it? I can do like one nail if you want.” Gerard asked as he shook a new bottle of polish._

 

_Patrick reemerged from the mini fridge, cheeks slightly tinted with red. “Um, no. I think I’m okay.”_

 

_Gerard nodded. “Just let me know if you change your mind, okay?”_

 

_Patrick felt his face get hot as he nodded. He pulled the rim of his trucker hat further down as he made his way back to his bunk._

 

[—————]

 

Pete knocked on the bathroom door. “Patrick, are you okay?” He could hear his partner sniffling on the other side of the door.

 

“I'm fine.” They wiped their face with the back of their hand and stared their-self down in the mirror. Patrick grabbed their makeup bag and pulled out the necessary tools to paint their face. 

 

[—————]

_“What kind of lipstick is that?”, Patrick asked as the makeup artist dabbed eyeshadow on his eyelids._

 

_“I think it’s a MAC brand. They gave it to me when I got here. Open.” She dusted the excess powder from his face as he opened his eyes. “Personally, I prefer NYX. It’s not as expensive and it works better. Last longer I think.” She held his head in her hands and twisted it to check her work. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bore you with my makeup talk.” She laughed as she wiped her hands on her apron._

 

_“Oh, I don’t mind. I’m the one who asked anyway.” Patrick felt his cheeks growing warm and was very grateful for the heavy makeup required for this video. He gripped the arms of the chair, wishing he could take off his ridiculous suit and pull on his hoodie and hide._

 

_The makeup artist smiled at him and cocked her head. “I’ll be right back.”_

 

_He nodded as he wiped his clammy hands on his pants. “So stupid. Why would you even ask that?” Patrick mumbled to himself._

 

_The makeup artist returned with a tube of pale pink lipstick. She slid it into his shaky hands with a small smile. “I think this will look nice on you. It doesn’t look right on me.” Patrick furrowed his brow as he fumbled with the lipstick in his hands. “Just… keep it, okay?”_

 

_He felt the familiar twist in his stomach as he nodded before quickly walking away._

 

[—————]

 

Patrick’s phone vibrated on the counter as they pushed their make up bag to the side.

 

**You can’t shut him out. I know it’s hard, but you have to help him understand. - G**

 

Patrick groaned as they read the text from Gerard. They sent back a quick reply before continuing to get dressed.

 

**I know. I just wish he got it like you did. - P**

 

[————]

 

_“It doesn’t make sense!” Patrick spat through gritted teeth as he furiously scrubbed the nail polish off of his nails._

 

_“Easy, Patrick, easy.” Gerard placed his hand on top off his friend’s and took the cotton ball from his hands. “Why doesn’t it make sense?”_

 

_Patrick huffed as Gerard continued to wipe off the polish. “Because I’m a guy. Guys don’t wear nail polish or makeup or dresses.” He swiped his thumb across his lips to remove the pale pink lipstick._

 

_Gerard was quiet for a moment as he continued his task. “Well, what if you’re not a guy?”_

 

_Patrick squirmed in his seat. “It’s not like I’m a girl.”_

 

_“You could be something in between. Gender isn’t as black and white as people make it seem." Gerard paused to glance at Patrick._

 

_The younger man felt the familiar knot is his stomach. “What do you mean?”_

 

_“There’s different genders outside of just boy and girl. Like genderqueer, gender fluid, trans, demigirl and demiboy.” Gerard noticed Patrick’s confused expression and gave him a pat on the back. “It can be a bit overwhelming.”_

 

_Patrick drew circles on the side of his chair as Gerard cleaned the polish from his other hand. “What would you call someone who sometimes feels like a boy, but sometimes really wishes he was a girl?”_

 

_“That person could be considered gender fluid, but it would be up to them how they choose to identify.”_

 

_Patrick felt the knot in his stomach begin to loosen. “Gender fluid? Like they can go back and forth?”_

 

_“Something like that, yeah.” Gerard pushed Patrick’s blond locks from his face. “Your hair is getting long.”_

 

_Patrick sat back in the chair and rubbed his arms nervously. “Yeah, I’ve gotta get it cut soon.”_

 

_“No, it’s nice. I like it.” Gerard smiled. “It fits you.”_

 

_Patrick bit his lip and tapped a little beat on his legs. “Thanks.”_

 

[—————]

 

Patrick emerged from the bathroom with their blonde hair curled to one side, winged eyeliner, and lips tinted with their trusted pale pink lipstick. “Can you zip me up?”

 

Pete stared as his partner struggled to close their makeup bag. “You look…” Patrick jerked their head up, anxiously awaiting his response. “Amazing.” Pete crossed the room to help zip up their dress and placed a kiss on the back of their neck. “Seriously Trick, you look beautiful.”

 

[—————]

 

_Patrick cowered in the bathroom. “Please just leave, okay? I don’t want to talk about this right now.”_

 

_“Trick, you know I'm not just going to leave you like this.” Pete jiggled the handle on the door, trying to make his way in._

 

_“I'm not coming out. I don’t need you making fun of me right now.” Patrick wiped the angry tears from their cheek with the heel of their hand._

 

_“Is that what you think I’m going to do?” Pete placed his palm on the door and sighed. He sat down with his back to the door and patiently waited for a response._

 

_Patrick moved closer to the door and sat down, unknowingly mirroring their partner. “I just assumed the worst, I guess. This is all scary and new to me Pete. I feel… fragile.”_

 

_“No matter what, I’ll be sure to handle you with care.”_

 

_Patrick smiled as they bit the nail on their thumb. “Pete?” Their voice was soft and slightly hoarse from crying._

 

_“Yeah Trick?”_

 

_They cleared their throat before they spoke. “Do you love me?”_

 

_“Until the very end.”, Pete said without hesitation._

 

_“What if I’m not who you think I am?” Patrick questioned as they pulled pieces of string from the mat on the bathroom floor._

 

_“Are you trying to tell me you’re a little alien dude, ‘cause I knew that the second I heard you sing. Your vocals are out of this world.” Patrick burst out laughing from Pete’s dumb joke. “Was that too much?” Pete asked as he pulled his knees to his chest._

 

_“Not at all. I’m trying to be serious right now though, you idiot.”_

 

_“You might want to start by opening the door.” Pete knocked softly as he spoke._

 

_Patrick sighed and opened the door to face their partner. “I’m not a boy Pete.” They smoothed out their dress as they leaned against the door frame. “But I’m not a girl either. Is that weird?” They cautiously looked into the older man’s eyes._

 

_Pete brought Patrick’s hand to his mouth and gently kissed their knuckles. “As weird as anyone else.”_

 

_Patrick felt the knot in their stomach loosen as they pressed a kiss to Pete’s cheek._

 

[—————]

 

Patrick stared at the spray painted number on the column in front of the car as they sat in the parking garage. “Patrick, the guys are inside waiting on us.”

 

Patrick shook themselves from their reverie “Right, yeah sorry.” They pulled their cardigan sleeves over their hands.

 

“Hey.” Pete cupped Patrick’s chin and placed a soft kiss on their lips, careful not to ruin their makeup. “You’re going to be okay.”

 

Patrick took a deep breathe and nodded, situating their black fedora on their head. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s go.”

 

[—————]

 

_“I’m gender fluid.” Patrick stated as they repositioned their fedora for the 15th time in the past two minutes. They stood in a green room with the other members of their band, waiting to hear their reactions._

 

_“So like in between a guy and a girl?” Andy asked as he scratched his beard._

 

_“Yeah, that’s exactly it actually.” Patrick smiled as Andy nodded in agreement._

 

_“Uh sorry to be the idiot of the group, but are you like in the same state of mind as Laura Jane?” Jose asked, pushing his hair back from his face._

 

_Patrick smiled wide at the mention of the lead singer of Against Me. “Yeah, kind of like that. I don’t consider myself trans exactly but under the non binary umbrella.” The band sat in silence, taking in the new information. “Did you guys have any questions?”_

 

_Joe and Andy both shook their heads. “Don’t forget to mention your pronouns, Trick.” Pete spoke with his mouth full of pizza._

 

_“Oh yeah. Could you use the pronouns they and them when you refer to me instead of he?” Patrick cringed at the male oriented pronoun._

 

_“Yeah, of course.” Andy stated as he flashed one of his rare smiles._

 

_“I can’t promise I won’t screw it up, but just spray me with water if I do.” Joe joked._

 

[—————]

 

“Wow, dude you look so great! Wait, is dude okay to say?” Jose asked as everyone exchanged hugs. 

 

Patrick laughed as they got situated in the booth. “Yeah, I’m okay with that.” As they started to catch up, Patrick’s phone rang. “Sorry guys, it’s my mom. I’ll be right back.” They stepped outside and quickly finished the conversation before reentering the diner. 

 

On their way back to the booth, they overheard their friends chatting with the waitress. “Do y’all know what he wanted to order?” She asked as she snapped her gum. Patrick felt their cheeks burn as the waitress referenced their absence. 

 

“I think they’re still deciding. They should be back in a moment though. Thanks.” Pete answered politely, putting emphasis on the neutral pronouns. Patrick felt the knot in his stomach come undone as they walked back to the booth to join their friends. “Everything okay?” Pete asked as Patrick slid back into the booth.

 

“Yeah.” They smiled as they laced their fingers with their partner. “Everything’s great.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was so much longer than i intended it to be, but i hope you like it. please let me know if there's anything I should fix!


End file.
